Bare with me ......

F*#@ !!!

I just want to scream, cry or smash a wall at the moment.
But I won't....

In the "recovery" days after this debilitating flu we have experienced, I struggle to find energy and happiness...

I seem to have struggled to find happiness all year and it is really starting to piss me off.

Last year was good.
It was full of excitement, hope and happiness.
Mostly anyway.......
We had just found out about Amelia's disease BUT with everything Amelia's Project, Disneyland and then this adreneline rush of "life", it was easy to be busy.

Now there is just life.
Everyday life.

Time to look at our situation, look at our past, look at our future and time to think.
All day, everyday.

I lose myself in books, movies and TV, trying to find something....
Something to give me that massive kick up the bottom I need right now.
But they seem to make it worse.

Losing yourself in someone elses life (make believe or not) does not allow you to focus on the good in your own life.
Well for me anyway.

For some reason I am just seeing all the bad.

Amelia's disease.
Tom's need for normal parenting and assistance with his education.
Me being home constantly.
Boring meals.
Nothing to look forward to.

Tom needs practice with reading and writing but I struggle to find the energy.
Amelia needs me constantly but I struggle to find the energy.
Our household needs daily running and it looks like a bomb has hit it.

I feel like I want to run until I collapse or run away to a tropical island.

I hate feeling like this and hope I can find some happiness again soon.

To see me you may not notice.
It is all stuff in my head.
So do not feel the need to admit me.....just yet.

xxx