Thursday, 7 February 2013


I was about to apologise for the honesty in previous entries.
Then I was also going to apologise for the recent influx of entries.

But then I realised that part of this stage I am going through is about accepting who I am.

So I WILL NOT apologise for being me !!!

Anyway more cleaning (my laundry is no longer covered in cat food and cat litter!) and therefore more thinking.

Surprisingly enough, after recent posts, I have some hilarious stories to tell everyone.
(do not fall over.......we still have humor in the house!).

After my entry on Friday I spent the afternoon sobbing.
Not just crying, actually sobbing.

Amelia came home from school and says defiantly "Well I told him".
I looked at her and said "Told who what?".
"I told J that if he is going to have other girlfriends then I am going to have M as my boyfriend too".

At this stage I began wondering who this child was that just got off the special school bus.
This was definately NOT my angelic daughter that left this morning.

"Ok" I said "And where was M?".
"Sitting on the other side of me" Amelia said with attitude.
"And what did J say?" I asked.
"Nothing" she answered.
"And what did M say?" I asked trying REALLY hard not to laugh.
"He just smiled".

I lost it.
I could not stop laughing.

When I encouraged her to tell Scott about "the incident" that night she began by pointing at him and said firmly "Do not laugh".

This morning I thought it would be fun to take Levi (aka Steve) out to meet Amelia's friends on the bus. Little Scamp (our other dog) comes out excitedly every morning to greet everyone.

Anyway.......Levi runs straight to the bus and stands on the lift and waits.
We all laugh.
So Bob uses the control to take him onto the bus.
Levi runs around and has a sniff and look.
Amelia gets on and goes to her "spot".
Levi stands next to her.
Levi does not get off when I tell him to.
Levi ignores me and looks straight ahead.
I board the bus and Levi runs down the back and hides.
I DRAG him to the door and he gets away from me.
I DRAG him again and with more force get him off.


Yes. You read that correctly.

So now I get on my hands and knees and try to coax him out.
Tom decides that he needs food to coax him out.
Tom runs inside and gets popcorn.
POPCORN......yes I can really see him coming out for that !!!!!
Bob revs the engine to scare him out.
Levi moves to a better position.

I crawl on my stomach under bus and grab the bloody dog by the scruff of the neck and haul him out.

Amelia is crying because she is laughing so much and my driveway is covered in bloody POPCORN !!!!!!

Could only happen to us.


Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Cleaning makes me think.

Thank you for the messages over the last few days.

I apologise that I have not accepted the requests of walks, cuppa's and visits.

My body and mind just does not feel like socialising.

On a positive note, I can feel myself working through this current situation.

I asked Scott to read my blog entry on Friday night.
He ended up staying awake for hours.
He ended up reading many of them.
When I questioned his thoughts he said "it was good to see the ebb and flo. Your emotions really are up and down".
He did not fully know my daily thoughts.

I write about my feelings better than I talk.

So I spent the weekend feeling like someone with a very unstable mental condition.
I suppose in a way I do suffer from one.
But I do not know any other way to work through this situation and be a good mum.
This blog, in a way, has been my saviour.

Anyway, I am not dancing from the rooftops yet, but hopefully I will be soon.

My new mantra of "swallow some concrete and harden the f*#@ up" is definately helping.
I am giving myself some tough love.
Today I am thoroughly cleaning my house (it has only been done once over the last 6 weeks).
I am even cleaning out the bin cupboard.
I am on a roll !!

Over the last few days I have also experienced some anger and regret over a situation that occured last year.
Today I realised I cannot move on from the fact that I lost some very dear friends.
I do not know how to deal with it.
It has never happened to me before.
There was so much nastiness and so many lies.

I just wish I could rewind and have handled the situation differently.
But the response would have probably been the same.

I just miss them and the people they took with them.