We have had a shit 8 days.
I cannot describe it any better than that.
Today I had a meeting that made me finally realise how I can change so much of it all.
The meeting was not great or full of praise and good humour.
It was serious and business like.
It showed me the various "types" of people out there.
Everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with that.
I realised part way through the meeting that I was viewing this situation differently than I should.
I do not have to like the people I work with and they do not have to like me.
Putting every ounce of time and passion into my workplace is not in my future now.
I have chosen to re-enter the workforce for the benefit of my WHOLE family.
It is not for anyone else but ourselves.
It has been a very difficult adjustment at home, which has now come to a climax through other means.
Today I was reminded, by myself, that my work is not like my home, my family, my friends.
Work is not going to be the happy, friendly place I envisaged.
I can be those things, but I should not expect that from others there.
And vice versa.
I cannot be the person someone wants me to be.
Moving forward I choose to be professional and business like only.
I will save my own personality for home.
This is not what I have been told to do....
This is what I choose to do.
Work is work.
That is my new motto.
Why invest so much time and energy into something when there is SO much more to focus on in your life?
Something like "life" itself.
Something like family.
I did not choose to be friends with these people.
They are work colleagues and only that.
Sometimes work relationships develop into friendships (and I have been very lucky to have this happen Gail, Jenny and Bec) but they were never meant to turn out that way.
Moving forward, I will continue to be passionate about my group of children, parents and assistant....but no more.
I am not required to do more than that.
My natural instinct is for more, but it will now have a brick wall in front of it.
I am relieved.
The pressure and expectation from so many different angles has now evaporated from my shoulders.
The difficulty of putting so much into my workplace and feeling guilty with my level of input at home has now disappeared.
That is the result of my soul searching for the day.
I am a different person these days, because of Amelia's diagnosis.
I do not stress or worry about "small things".
I want to create an amazing life for myself and others.
By investing so much in "work", I forgot about this.
People keep telling me I am "so strong".
Two times today I heard this.
Today I was "accused" of being "over sensitive" and "take everything to heart" by one person at work.
That means that I am not strong and I do not apologise for that.
I am ME and I am proud of ME.
(We will discuss Scott's "convulsion" last Thursday, Tom's hospital admission on last Sunday and Amelia's 11th Birthday on another day).
Be proud of who you are....especially after outside analysis.
It may take some in depth soul searching, but it still makes you, YOU.
You cannot walk into a room of 60 people and like them all.
Just like it is impossible for all of them to like you.
I have a very special friend that may get pregnant soon.
The month she has the baby, I am there.
That is something to be excited by.