Sitting here not knowing where to begin.
Today as I walked up our driveway to collect Amelia from her school bus (we are fortunate it literally comes to our door) I checked the mailbox.
I always check the mailbox and it is always bills!
Today there was a letter with a sticker on the back naming a photography company.
I know this company due to the donation they gave us for our Amelia's Project night years ago to help send us to Disneyland.
I also know that we could never afford to get one of their amazing photography packages.
Inside was a card and a voucher.
The card explained that I had been "gifted" a photography session.
It was from girls in my High School year level
(I finished 23 years ago!).
It then listed 40 or so names of girls I used to attend school with.
"Are you ok mummy?" Amelia asked.
I only then realised she was off the bus.
"I don't know" I answered. "I don't know what to say".
I looked at the names.
Some I had not seen since school.
Some I had never had the chance to even speak to at school.
It said they had all contributed.
How did they know?
I ask the final question because life has been a bit of on eternal battle in the last 12 months.
After finishing work, I became very depressed at how I had failed.
With the help of "time", letting it run it's course, friends and family....
I was able to beat it.
That depression is constantly sitting in the wings, waiting for a flat point, waiting to pounce.
Stress levels are always rising and can sometimes get out of control.
Because I saw our life differently when I was working.
I saw an outside view by spending time away.
I broke the mould of routine that I had created by developing the mindset of giving Amelia an "Amazing Life".
I returned a different person.
It is a person I do not like because she does not handle "life" like she used to.
She crumbles easily and battles with the life that she has been handed.
Most importantly..... Because she no longer gets a break.
My dad used to always have the kids on a regular basis, but he has now injured his back, hip and knee.
He can no longer "walk" Amelia to the toilet or to bed.
It was something I obviously took for granted because I am really feeling it now.
Scott and I give each other a break but it is hard when he works full time now.
I am tired.
I have been fortunate that a beautiful person from Amelia's school likes to have Amelia sometimes, but she has 4 kids.
She keeps asking to have her and I just find it hard to relax knowing that her life is already "full on".
I have been able to find an organisation that will "pay" her when she has Amelia.
This makes me feel MUCH better.
Amelia is only comfortable going to their house now.
Due to the brain changes, the anxiety has increased.
We cannot send her to "fun" disability camps or respite houses anymore.
We always end up having to go and get her.
And that is FINE.
I NEVER want her to feel sad, scared or lonely in these places.
Her life IS to be filled with happiness.
That is my mission.
But it is hard.
I am calling Amelia the CAN child lately....
If I do not do it immediately, she asks every 30 minutes!!!!!
Can we have meatballs for tea?
Can you buy me chocolate milk?
Can I have a camera?
I am tired.
I am stressed.
I am keeping depression locked in a cupboard in a far distant room.
This voucher and this card today has really rocked me.
It is not the monetary value so much.
It is the reminder to create another long lasting, visual memory.
It is a reminder of what I will have to look at in the future.
It is a reminder of my original motto.......
"No regrets at the end".
It is the people that thought of me and my family.
One girl messaged everyone to contribute to US.
Thank you to each and every one of you.
Thank you Nicole, you must be one of our Guardian Angels.