Monday, 1 December 2014

Climbing the Ladder


I do not know if people realise, but writing on here is a very intense process.

Sometimes it is "oh shit. I have not told them about Amelia lately".

But sometimes it is an emotional cleansing from my own brain.
It is revealing thoughts that people do not normally tell anyone.
It is maybe only me that ever thinks AND feels such intense emotions.

These ones can be very draining.
I quite often need to be alone or go to sleep afterwards.

Explaining it makes me feel like a character out of The Twilight Saga almost !!!!

Today I wrote the following post, in response to someone, on Amelia's Project page on Facebook......

We struggle with "the strength". The weight of it is sometimes so consuming and debilitating that we fall over and cannot get back up. I personally then attack myself for not coping and then that only pushes me further down. It is a very dark and lonely experience. I almost hospitalized myself last week but after finally finding my words for the blog and realizing some of what I needed to deal with ....... The comments, messages and calls from others and the cotton wool care from Scott, I realized I was the lowest I could go. This afternoon I began tackling my "roster" and with everyone's words and support from others (including yourself) I have begun to see some light. I cannot possibly explain how that has pushed me to reach for another level higher xxx

Whether it is depression, bipolar or just our circumstances.....I have moments.
I have times where I am high and times where I am low.
Times that are very apparent since Amelia's diagnosis, which makes me think a combination of all three.

This low has been the lowest I have ever been.
I really struggled with this one.

This time the self loathing, non-deserving and regrets of friendships lost, took over.
This time I struggled to function.
This time I thought I was at a point of no return. 

But writing the blog on Saturday night, reading all of the messages, texts and listening to my voicemail helped.

But looking at Scott's face on Saturday night.

I cannot describe it.
The look of despair.

I do not want to be "that person".
I do not want to be the person who gets that kind of look.

I made the roster and followed it today.
I put music on and looked around to write down positives.

But you know what?

Those things would not have helped last week.

I needed to hit the lowest I could go for this journey before I could recognise what is going to help me climb back up.

Hit the darkest, loneliest place in all of humanity and realise there is nowhere to go but up.
It may take days, it may take months.

Many people struggle with it.

Thank you to those that told me I am not alone.
Your secret is safe with me.

I am starting to climb up that ladder now.  


Sunday, 30 November 2014

Thank you


Thank you for reading and commenting on last night's entry.
It is something that has been building and I have been unable to articulate it until now.

Thank you for your calls, messages and contact directly with Scott (he will not leave my side!).

Thank you for being non judgemental and accepting my current thoughts in this difficult life we lead.

I am going to now attempt moving forward by addressing the bulk of the issues.

I am going to make a chart for myself, setting out a routine for the week that allows for "downtime" while the kids are at school.
I am going to finish arranging this house to the way I know makes me relax.
I am going to begin spoiling myself again with books, movies and favorite TV shows.
I am going to plan meals and snacks that puts a smile on everyone's faces.

I am going to make a chart for Tom that may minimise arguments over insulin needles.

I am going to spend more quality time with Amelia.

Finally I am going to address the way I feel about myself.
My self esteem needs improvement (or I actually just need some!).
Try to stop the self loathing that appears every time a friend disappears or a disagreement occurs.
I am going to learn to accept that we think differently than the majority of those around us and some find they cannot connect with that.

I am going to begin making a list of positives daily.
I am going to "stop and smell the roses".

Thank you for being there.