Lost

Lets begin today's session with "happy thoughts".

Amelia and Tom started their 2013 school year yesterday.
Both at different schools and both handling it differently.

Amelia boarded her bus like she was there yesterday.
She arrived home with excited stories of new children in her class, new staff members and the new roles and responsibilities for each individual (Amelia has to read the weather each day).
She spoke of a discussion at "circle time" regarding "feelings".
She told everyone "I get angry at my mum when she takes me shopping and does not buy me anything"!!!

Tom was obviously nervous and very quiet in the morning.
He came home exhausted but happy.
Last night he tossed and turned in his sleep and called out in his dreams.
A definate sign of anxiety for him.

Me?
Well I do not know how I feel.
I know that I am mentally and physically drained.
I know that I am mentally beating myself up constantly.
I know that I look at Amelia and wonder WHY?

Lost.
I feel lost.

I have been here before (in the land of lost) and I know that I will find my way out.
I always do.

Today I decided not to fight this "stage" that I am travelling through.
I will just sit on the ride until it ends.

There are many techniques that I have used in the past to speed up the process but this time I just do not have enough energy to get up and do them.

Sad.
I feel sad.

The visualisation of spiralling downwards keeps appearing in my mind.
It is slow.

I try to speed it up, so that it can hit rock bottom.
Then I can start the climb to the top again.
But I just need to ride with it......for now.

Poor Scott.
He just keeps attempting the typical male solution....."to fix it".
But he can't.
So he just worries instead.

But he does not need to.

Maybe rock bottom is a massive flood of tears.
Maybe it is just sitting on the couch and rejuvenating for a few days.

Amelia has Ataxia Telangiectasia.

It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.

I just do not understand why the Universe chooses the most heartbreaking situations for some people to live all day everyday.

I constantly hear "You only get given what you can handle".

Well......maybe sometimes I do not "handle" it.
Maybe sometimes I just want my precious daughter to be able to walk, run and feed herself.

I just want her to grow up and live an amazing life.

Now the tears arrive, I thank you for joining me in this very deep psych session......

xxx

Psych analysis

My apologies for the previous entry.
(I hate the word "blog" ....makes me feel like something you do in the toilet!).

Unfortunately I have been travelling down a very quiet negative pathway for a number of weeks.

I normally steer clear of the "poor us" thoughts but lately they have been dominant and I have been submissive....... (yes. I am reading 50 shades AGAIN!).

Anyway, all jokes aside, I have been feeling very sad about what our life has become.
The what we "can't" do.... rather than the what we "can".
The way our life "could" be...... rather than what it "is".
The "negatives"...... rather than the "positives".

Maybe I should have begun documenting it sooner.
Scott even said "oh great. The whole world knows before I do.".

Writing clears my head and rationalises everything for me.
I am able to articulate it better typing.
I do not understand it myself until I begin writing.

The comments I recieve help greatly too.
I read......I walk away......I think.

Anyway I have settled on a number of reasons for my recent decline.

Healthy eating went out the window over the last 6 weeks.
Emotional eating replaced it AGAIN.
The difference is massive for me (may be my next science experiment).
I feel crap.....I think negative.

My frustration and anger was possibly being channeled through the personal training.
I have done NO exercise for 6 weeks.

I am actually very lucky that I have only put 4 kilo's on from the original 14 I lost.

And finally my last assessment of myself........
Kids constantly for 6 weeks.
I was very spoilt last year.
So much time to rejuvenate.
The children arrive home eager to tell me about their day.
The house was immaculate (unfortunately something I crave).
And I honestly feel that the stimulation that they get from their school environment/s is better than what I can offer.

But......... recent comments point to Amelia and Tom's need for just "our company".

Last weekend we had to pick Amelia up from a sleepever.
A sleepover that she has done since she was 6 weeks old.
It was her nanny and poppy's house.

The reason for her early departure?

She just wanted to be with her "family".

xxx