Decision Time ........

Firstly let me begin with the onions........

They have failed me.

Either it really is a myth or the infection was too strong to overcome.
Amelia has croup.

Today I was a good mum AND a bad mum for the same situation.

Amelia had croup last night badly.
But today was her only school excursion for the whole year.
So after telling her she couldn't go ...... and holding her while she sobbed, I heard the cough go from a bark to a normal cough. I knew that she would spend the rest of the day with a normal cough and cold.
So I decided to send her.
She begged me to put in my blog the amount of "effort" she would proudly use to get throught the day !!!
So after having her at the doctors, upon her return, she is now on the couch. Happily sick, exhausted and content from her day.

Now for the BIG stuff.

Two issues have been first and foremost on my mind this week.

We have three options for the "renovations".
1.Renovate the current home.
2.Buy a more open plan home to accomodate a electric wheelchair.
3.Build a home to do the above.

At the moment I am looking at all of the options available to us and hoping to make the best decision for the future.

At the moment a substantial amount of renovations would be needed.
Imagine narrow hallways and lots of right hand turns through narrow doorways.
To find an established house that would be suitable is difficult.
To build........well anyone that has built knows that we will require lots of money and stress.
I do not like the thought of packing up a whole house to move either.

But we also want to be suitably prepared for the future.
Before the bathrooms are renovated.

Numerous experts have suggested us thinking about it.
So we are.
Well I am and Scott is very stressed about it.

My other decision is extremely personal.
I was worried about revealing too much earlier this week......
well this will really "tip the boat".

All year, I have made a concious effort to open the idea of having another baby.

Ok.
I will give you a minute to get over the shock.

So many implications, precautions and procedures would be needed to concieve, but would it be better in the long run?

My thinking is mainly directed at Tom.

At some stage in the future, he will be on his own.
No Amelia, no mum, no dad.
Do we need to prepare for the fact that he will be on his own?

I can guarantee that a baby would also bring great happiness to our household.
But it will also bring great stress, exhaustion and time.
Sleep deprivation, the fact I only have one pair of hands, and trying to push a wheelchair and a pram.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Big decisions.

Will I regret that I have taken away some of Amelia's time of interaction and amazing life or do I regret not having another to protect Tom and safeguard us.

The embryo would have to go through IVF.
Scott has had a vasectomy so ...... (men cringe at how they would get the egg).
The egg would need to be tested and inserted.

Hmmmmmmm

But remember my motto?
No regrets at the end.

These decisions have made me abnormal this week.
(Yes, more so than usual!).

But today I think I had an epiphany.....

How bad are these questions?

Am I deciding whether to turn someone's life support off?
Am I dying and need to decide on the appropriate treatment to survive?

NO.

Moving and building can be done.
Another baby into our family is also possible.

So I and We will decide in the future and let you know of our decision.

And please do me a favour?
Next time you are stressing over a decision.....
please think about whether it is over life or death or whether it may be a risk that is exciting.
Or something that is really not that bad.......

It is really not such a bad thing to decide on.

You will not die from it.

xxx

Me again

Hello.
Recently I have lost a lot of confidence in myself.
I feel very insecure about how much I reveal about myself.
Yesterday I became paranoid about what other people think.
This has not happened to me for a very long time.

Last night I sat up and read all of my posts from the end of last year and beginning of this year.
It reprogrammed my thinking on what is important.

The mundane tasks of running a house while keeping up with the commitments of two children.......well any parent knows how difficult that can be.

I do not have employment in the formal sense of the world.
But I do feel doing everything I can possibly do for Amelia......and Tom, may as well be considered a job.
While this job may be satisfying and have many rewards, it also makes you very tired.
My line of employment makes you look at life differently.
In everyday there is both positive and negative.
Sometimes I feel dizzy from the range of emotions I experience every single day.
Lately I have been feeling annoyed and grumpy a lot.

Amelia's condition this year has made us think of things we would never have had to approach in conversation.
But then we could have for entirely different reasons.

Two things that have reached boiling point recently (through discussions with specialists and doctors)............
maybe tomorrow night.

_______________________________________________________________________

Today we were meant to finally get our wheelchair.
We ordered it back in February.
But when it arrived it needed ajustments and "extra features".
So.....back it went and hopefully it will arrive again next week.

Amelia had her painting class today with Annette.
She always loves making something special.

Then, finally, we picked up our "documents" for America.
Flights, accomodation, transfers and Insurance.
And the person that has helped us organise this entire trip, Sharon, gave the kids gorgeous beach towels with their names embroidered on. There was also activity books for the plane.
_________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday someone said "I could not put myself out there like you".
But after lots of soul searching (and messages) I have been reminded of the greater good it is doing for not only me but everyone who reads it too.

If you do not like what I write then please do not read it.

Now why couldn't I have come to that conclusion last night ???!!!

xxx

Maybe too open

Just thinking that I may keep my thoughts to myself for a while. May just start posting photo's. Feeling a bit vulnerable right now about whether I am doing the right thing on here. Think I have gone off track about what thiS is all about.
Xxx

New Day

Thankfully I have woken up today in a much better mood.
I appreciate all the comments I received saying that I am not the only one to experience days like yesterday.

Thinking of asking the "True Blood" creators and onion farmers for a cut of their profits.
From all my messages I think both are doing extremely well at the moment!

Amelia is really happy lately.
I think it may have something to do with the extra assistance she is now getting in the classroom.
Maybe she does not feel that school is "so hard" now.
And she is lucky, because the people helping her genuinely have her best interests covered.
They actually seem to really care about her.

Spoke to Ann in California today.
On our first day in Anaheim she is going to take me to Cosco.
I will stock up on all the esentials so that we do not have to pay the ridiculous prices in Disneyland.
Bottled water and juice will save us a fortune.
We also discussed Ann and her husband Felippe driving us all down to San Diego one day.
It would take about 90 minutes and their seaworld and zoo are awesome.
Dad keeps asking me if 9 days is going to be long enough for everything I want us all to do !!

Anyway.....only 24 more sleeps.

AND something else.....

While we are gone a beautiful friends husband (who was at the Amelia Night) would like to renovate our 2 bathrooms.
One to accomodate baths and one to accomodate showers.
All of the trademen he has recruited would like to do the work for free.
So we will just pay for the materials.
How kind is that ?

So that is nice way to finish todays blog isn't it ??!!

xxx

Out of the blue

Out of the blue I woke up in a horrible mood.

I do not want to see anyone or talk to anyone.
But I have.

I am annoyed that my life cannot just pause for a while so I can get over this "hump" in the road.
I know that it will pass but at the moment I just want to scream or at least punch a wall.

But washing, running a house and cooking dinner must continue.
And children.
One child who needs a lot of extra assistance with everything.
But today I just want to stare at a wall.

I am not resentful of Amelia and her condition but I am resentful of the fact that I cannot just have an alone day.
A day to overcome whatever has taken hold of me.

It has made me feel slightly better that Amelia has just rolled with the day. I have explained everything to her in a humorous way so that she does not feel it is her fault.
Tom joined the "bad mood brigade".
So he is now at mum and dad's having fun.
Away from me.

Scott has just returned from Mildura and wants to return !

An element of my feelings is "self pity".
But I will fight that.

Hopefully my demeanor is hormonal and will pass as quickly as it came.

At times like this it is also good to know that every woman, man and child has bad mood days.

So......tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better blog.....

xxx