The Turning

After my lost post, I have received many messages to stop apologising.

I find this very difficult NOT to do.
I come one here and whinge and talk about my inner most thoughts.

People meet me for the first time and say that they are actually genuinely surprised that I am reasonably "normal", if that is possible for anyone in this day and age.

During the last few weeks it has been hard to hear of other peoples wonderful Summer/Christmas Holidays.
Seeing photos of amazing places and family memories being built does not help this depression that has taken over me.

I would say that I have consumed enough alcohol recently that I could probably have opened a bottle shop!
Cigarettes? Well.... my lungs ache.

Distructive behaviour it is called.
Definately a coping mechanism.

My whole world has been turned upside down.
I was coping to the best (or end) of my ability with Amelia and when I began working again.
This seems to have tipped me over the edge.

But in the last 2 days I can feel the ROAR happening again.

It is a roar that I have felt many times in the last few years.
A roar to battle and overcome this force that is determined to win at all costs.

I am better than it.

As Tom challenged me to a game of cricket today, it was represented in a different light.
I savored and relished in it's feeling of battle.

I can battle outside forces (like Tom winning at a cricket game!).

The last few weeks have been some of the lowest I have ever experienced.
Without being TOO honest, Scott and I have discussed separating.

There is only so much you can do.
Only so much you can cope with.
To separate would give time out and a chance at another inkling of life.

But we love each other.
We were together before the kids came along.
We are childhood sweethearts that battle together.

I am preparing to win this newest battle.
I am preparing my armour and weapons.

Bring it on Universe.

xxx