Cleaning makes me think.

Thank you for the messages over the last few days.

I apologise that I have not accepted the requests of walks, cuppa's and visits.

My body and mind just does not feel like socialising.

On a positive note, I can feel myself working through this current situation.

I asked Scott to read my blog entry on Friday night.
He ended up staying awake for hours.
He ended up reading many of them.
When I questioned his thoughts he said "it was good to see the ebb and flo. Your emotions really are up and down".
He did not fully know my daily thoughts.

I write about my feelings better than I talk.

So I spent the weekend feeling like someone with a very unstable mental condition.
I suppose in a way I do suffer from one.
But I do not know any other way to work through this situation and be a good mum.
This blog, in a way, has been my saviour.

Anyway, I am not dancing from the rooftops yet, but hopefully I will be soon.

My new mantra of "swallow some concrete and harden the f*#@ up" is definately helping.
I am giving myself some tough love.
Today I am thoroughly cleaning my house (it has only been done once over the last 6 weeks).
I am even cleaning out the bin cupboard.
I am on a roll !!

Over the last few days I have also experienced some anger and regret over a situation that occured last year.
Today I realised I cannot move on from the fact that I lost some very dear friends.
I do not know how to deal with it.
It has never happened to me before.
There was so much nastiness and so many lies.

I just wish I could rewind and have handled the situation differently.
But the response would have probably been the same.

I just miss them and the people they took with them.

xxx