Thursday, 3 March 2011

The Rollercoaster.......

I cannot sleep tonight.

Impossible to stop crying.

The rollercoaster of emotions is difficult. One minute you are positive and enjoying the moment, the next you are angry or sad.

By documenting my thoughts I somehow relieve my mind of the pain, so here goes........

When you become a parent the future is a secret garden. So much mystery, magic and wonder. When you have a child you believe they will have a life full of living, fun and learning. I feel that has all come to an end now for one of my children. She will have a life, but now we have to watch it slowly be taken away from her. We will endevour to make it magical while she is still able to appreciate it but we will also have to care for our beautiful little girl when she is unable to do anything except lie there.
We will not see her grow up and go to the pub, get married or have children.
All that will be left will be a big gaping hole in our precious family.

My days are currently spent wandering aimlessly around the house trying to remember what I used to do. My whole life has now changed and I do not know what I should be doing.

My father and brother have openly cried, no sobbed, in front of me. That really rips your heart out. My husband is still in shock and has not begun the grieving process yet. He is still in the typical male "I need to fix this" stage. Three grown males that adore, no, are obsessed with this little girl.

Amelia has no idea what has happened. She is still the happy, little girl she always was. Tom has been very difficult to be around. He is reacting the only way a four year old knows with the vibes he feels from the adults. But his reaction is anger and stubborness.

My "friendship group" has planned a New Years Eve party for the end of this week. About 16 of us. I have always been very proud of our group and know we will always stay together. But I do not think I can go. I know that they want to support us and are grieving too but I worry I will pull everyone down. I can see it already.....alcohol, countdown, crying.

I attempted socialising. Scott is much better at it than me. But I am not ready to hear about other peoples "happy families" while I feel like mine has disappeared.

How often do we see on the news and in the papers about children being ill or dying. How often do we find out that someone we know has lost a child in previous years. We always feel sad and maybe get emotional but then that moment passes and we move on. This moment will never move on for me. This is what my life is now.

At bedtime tonight Amelia gave Scott and I a big hug and kiss and said "I never want to grow up. I love you so much". Unfortunately this may come true and my secret garden will disappear......

1 comment:

  1. God bless you, Amanda! I read this with tears because you are able to describe my feelings so well. My A-T girl will be 20 years old this year. Let's never give up hope!
    ~Deanna Achilles