Constant

Last night as I was putting Amelia to bed, I looked at the red darkness around her eyes.
I looked at the exhaustion in her eyes and the stillness of her body.
I thought of when she was younger and used to get really sick.
I thought of Tom and the difference it makes when he is really ill.
I realised that she constantly looks like a sick child.
She IS constantly a sick child.

The fatigue, the assistance needed and ........ lying on the couch.
Where does everyone like to go when they do not feel 100% ?
The couch to lie down.
Amelia does that a lot.

I then began thinking about how parents feel when their child is sick with a cold, gastro, tonsilitis etc.
It makes your heart sink seeing them so unwell.
Seeing the life zapped out of them.
You just cannot wait to see them bouncing with energy again.

Last night I realised Amelia is always unwell.
And I have been struggling, waiting for her to come back to life.
Without realising it, I am constantly looking after a sick child..............
Or maybe not wanting to sit back and realise it.

I have to let this child go to school, friends houses, grandparents and to bed every night.......and she is not well.

When she laughs hysterically or smiles a genuinely happy smile, it is a massive thing in my day.
Just for a moment I can stop being over protective and enjoy this "minute in time" as one of pure happiness.

You honestly do not know true happiness until you see a child who struggles with everything uncontrollably laugh.

In 44 days we leave for Disneyland.
I know that she will be exhausted and tired for our "holiday of memories".
But I know that there will be a lot of pure happiness.
I also know there will be a lot of happy tears from me.

xxx

(This is the first blog that actually made me cry while writing it).