In the past few months I have been feeling "lost".
Everyone knew it would happen.
So much planning and effort went into Disneyland and then it was ...... over.
Disneyland was to help create Amelia's "amazing" life, but it was also to keep me busy.
The first year of a terminal diagnosis is difficult, but when it is directed at your own child, the protective feelings go into overdrive.
The research, the nurturing and the feeling of hope will always still be there.
But the business side of Amelia's Project has run it's course.
Everyone around me began it and then I jumped on the band wagon.
Now I do not feel like business.
After 6 months of watching more decline in Amelia, I need something else to keep me going.
Everyone recently has been shocked by Amelia's decline.
In the last few months it has been rapid.
I live it.
Everyone knows the responsibilty I feel.
I have someones life in "my hands".
I need to make it amazing.
But I need to make ME feel it.
Make ME positive.
So I have been searching for .....something.
Something to keep me positive and ..... going.
I have my first Amelia's Project Committee meeting this week.
I thought it was a goal within the project ...... but it is not that at all.
I need to make changes to ME.
Change my thinking and the way I function everyday.
Ever heard the saying "Happy mum, happy house" ??
Well I need to make MAJOR changes to keep this house functioning at an optimum level.
I have survived the first year of Amelia's diagnosis of A-T.
Now I need to survive the following year.
A year where Tom is not my survival technique.
Tom leaves for school this year.
No Disneyland, no Tom.
I need to think of my plan for 2012.
And it is very simple.
I have no routine.
I do not know how to sit and relax.
I just clean and tidy ALL day.
And I constantly "assess" everything.
Doesn't every any mum ???!!!
So......... in the next few days I am going to make a timetable.
What I do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc.
I need to allocate "rest" time.
I will try to teach myself how to "wind down".
Cleaning and tidying will stop at a certain time and "other" things will happen.
But also very recent in my mind is two very paramount conversations I had in Queensland.
One person I had not seen for 24 years.
Comments that I will keep with me forever.
Tiasha and Annelise......
Your thoughts will stay with me forever.....
Everyone has their own journey.
Everyone has their own pathway.
Your sentences and "revealing" will stay with me forever.
If you are not happy, search for an answer.
It will come to you.
Soul search and keep soul searching......forever.
Now to plan Tom and Amelia's 2012.
Life is not easy but it is EASIER when you are content.....
It is your life.......so be happy with how you are living it.
I am definately trying my best everyday.
I know that I have a lot of support.
I have a lot of friends.
But when it comes to the bare minimum.....
It is ME.
This is my life and I am going to make it the best that it can be.
Amelia, Tom and Scott are joining me no matter what..........