Confession

I have a confession to make.

Nine years ago I started to taking anti-depressants.
I suffered, and still do, from anxiety about anything and everything.
But it is mainly about what people think of me.
Silly I know, but such is life.

I look at it like diabetes.
Diabetics need insulin, some people need serotonin, the feel good hormone.

Generally humans develop it naturally, some of us need some help.
I take a pill daily that helps me release that from my brain.

I am not ashamed of it.
It is who I am.

Last night, at Amelia's 8th Birthday Party, the anxiety was all consuming.
The CD for my games did not work, the kids were running around obsessed and the pinuata would not open. There was not enough food, more children showed up than invited / replied and I could see it was all too overwhelming for Amelia.

A lot of soul searching and beating myself up today.

When you have made a plan for the running of the party and nothing goes to plan.....you have a panic attack.
I took it out on my husband, my friends and the gorgeous people helping.
Many people have told me today that I hid my panic and stress well.
Those extra close to me know different.
One of my bestest friends said "I have never seen you that stressed".
Hmmmmmm.
I have not felt that stressed in a very long time.

When I was younger I changed schools because of my anxiety.
Thankfully I have it under control in the last 5 years.
Not last night.

The expectation for Amelia's party was HUGE.
Amelia's A-T diagnosis was 6 months ago and I wanted to give her the biggest party I could.
But today I realised that the party was too big for Amelia and me.
Because of her A-T ,I planned too much.
I am grateful for the help, presents, and love in the room.
But, this week especially, you have to remember your own capacity to handle situations.

I have many friends on anti-depressants.
Because I am so open about it, they feel comfortable telling me maybe.
But when our lives are getting so much busier, expectations on people in looks, income and assets are so much higher, it is hard to be comfortable with yourself.
I am proud of the fact that I have been doing so well in the last few years.
Last night was a step backwards and a disappointment inside my head.

I love my family.
I love the friends I have and have made through Amelia's Project.
I love my new friends who are also going through the daily suffering of A-T.

Amelia and I have had a glorious "chocolate" week but unfortunately, due to my embarrassment from last night, I feel my blog tonight is justified.

Scott and I leave tomorrow for Brisbane to learn as much as we can about Ataxia Telangiectasia.
We are leaving our children with about 8 different people over the next 6 days.
I so greatly appreciate everyone's help but also have "mothers guilt" that both of us are leaving them.
We have talked up the "adventure" but still............

So now that my therapy is complete for this evening I say farewell till Wednesday night.

The Circle on Channel 10 is Thursday morning.

And my positive thinking for today ?????...............Nothing could be as stressful as yesterday, so the rest of this week will be easy !!!

xxx