I woke up this morning and felt like a "dead weight".
I could not move.
Everyone else was still asleep and we had to leave the house in 30 minutes to get Tom to Kinder and then Amelia to school.
Lunchboxes were not packed and school bags were not ready.
But I seriously could not move.
So after everyone woke up I mumbled to Amelia and Tom they were staying home with me today.
No one argued.
Once the formalities of the day began I realised that today would be a "depression" day.
Just today I would allow it.
Very soon I was walking around the house with tears streaming down my face.
There were so many things I was thinking about.
We would not be going anywhere today.
When I went down to the toyroom to give Tom a cuddle I found him staring at the TV with tears running down his cheeks.
We talked about what he was feeling and what was upsetting him.
He mentioned "little" things from weeks ago.
Amelia was still stumbling and struggling to talk.
So today was a sad day.
We still played with playdough and competed in a game of monopoly.
I still wore my Minnie Mouse slippers and had my ipod playing constantly.
But it was still a sad day.
There does not HAVE to be a reason to be sad but I found myself questioning why I was feeling this way.
Is it Tom showing a different side of himself?
One that possibly explains the argumentative and controlling side of him?
Is it Amelia's deterioration and the fact the future gets closer every day?
Are we suffering from post-holiday depression?
Or am I just questioning "why" ????
One topic that arises when something like A-T is diagnosed is a subject that CAN cause a lot of disagreement.
I, like anyone, have an opinion on this subject.
If you are to read any further I would like you to respect my thoughts and understand that I always respect a persons right to decide for themselves.
No one is better than anyone else because of what they do or do not believe.
This year my friend list has grown considerably.
The A-T families all over the world have not only been a welcome support but also a great comfort during a difficult year.
The subject I am about to discuss features heavily on their posts.
It has made me question myself and what I feel.
I hope that I do not offend anyone in what I need to say.
My upbringing did not focus on The Bible.
I was not brought up to believe God created me and is looking after me.
My parents taught me to be open minded and to decide for myself what I believed in.
I went to church with the neighbours occasionally and attended some Sunday school classes.
My school had compulsory RE classes.
My belief has always been that
........... there may be a God and there may not be.
........... there may be a heaven and there may not be.
........... the bible may be real and it may not be.
I have always listened to both sides of the argument and decided that only when it is proven to me, and only me (no heresay), will I REALLY believe one side.
Darwin's "Ape Theory" or The Bible's "Adam and Eve".
And there are many, many more theories to consider.
So here is something I have been thinking about recently.
IF God is real and IF he has chosen the pathway in life for Amelia then he is not the good person some people firmly believe he is.
I would actually step out of my comfort zone and call him Evil.
Or maybe even Her nasty.
What creator would inflict such suffering and pain on an innocent child and those around her?
If I am proven wrong then I will have many questions to ask.
If I am sent to Hell for making such comments then I do so after nursing my child through a disease he possibly inflicted on her.
If it is to make us stronger and to make an example of her suffering then I question why we were chosen.
Only a very cruel and nasty person could want Amelia to disintergrate in front of our eyes.
Today a part of my emotion was from the final realisation that there is no God.
And if there is, he is Evil.
Sounds harsh and some will be offended but I cannot justify why someone would oversee this occuring.
He needs her up there ????
If that is the case ...... well, I bloody well need her down here.
What kind of person or being can Give and then take away so cruelly.
No one I could love and have faith in.