As a beautiful friend and I left for the hospital, I thought we had everything.
There was a bag of clothes for Tom and everything ready for Santa the following morning.
We new that I would be staying at the hospital.
That is just what I do.
First we visited Amelia at Nana and Poppy's.
Before entering the house, I calmed myself down.
Amelia needed to see me calm to be reassured that everything was going to be ok.
We quietly left presents for the morning downstairs.
Upstairs we portrayed fake excitement that Santa would be visiting Amelia at Nana and Poppy's.
The explanation that a note had been left for Santa seemed to suffice any worry.
We discussed opening presents at the hospital in the morning.
Forgot to pack Amelia anything change of clothes.
As we entered the hospital, we left a bag of presents at the nursing station.
As I entered Tom's room, a doctor was just finishing a conversation with Scott.
The memories of my role with Amelia when she was in hospital started coming back and were all consuming.
To anyone in that room, I would have appeared as an arrogant, demanding parent.
"Can you please tell me everything you just told Scott?".
If I was going to be here, I wanted to know and understand EVERYTHING.
I learnt that while I was in with Amelia 3 years ago.
The need to stay positive and happy for Tom was difficult.
It was Christmas Eve and my family was now separated.
Tom was very sad that evening that he did not have Amelia and Scott there.
He was worried that Santa would not know where he was.
He was also petrified that he was on the naughty list, not because he was in hospital, but because he had been in a lot of trouble recently.
Nana and poppy were also doing all that they could to cheer Amelia up.
At 10pm, I suddenly realised what the time was.
As we went to bed, Tom and I had a little cry but also shared the excitement that Santa would soon be coming.
Tom fell asleep very quickly but I was wide awake until 2am.
The anger was starting to build from within me.
The anger that this had happened to us.
The question of "am I really that bad a person to have all of this happen to my family".
To know that two children have gone to sleep crying after counting down every sleep till when Santa comes.
Now we were all separated.
I could feel myself losing all happiness and positive thoughts.
The anger that someone or something was trying to take away anything that was good in my life.
The child that was healthy was now not.
The only member of this family without a diagnosis..... now had one.
Some so called "God" giving me only what I could handle?
I knew Christmas Eve that I was not going to "handle" this very well and it was going to take all of my being to get through this.
2am.
xxx
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