Role reversal - reversed

Hello everyone.

Tomorrow is the start of  "role reversal - reversed".
Scott begins full time work again.
His best friend has been able to get him a position at the place where Scott originally got him a position.

I am so proud of the effort and achievement he had through being an "at home dad".
The kids have loved having him at home and will need some adjusting to get used to having him gone again.

One example is icecream.
Scott regularly gives the kids ice cream after dinner.
I don't.
The other night while watching TV, I announced "shower and bedtime next ad".
"But I haven't had ice cream yet" Miss Amelia said.
"You do not need ice cream tonight Amelia. We are not going to have it" I said.
As I walked Amelia down to the shower, she repeatedly said "You have hurt my heart".
In the shower she said "You have broken my heart".
She said it over and over while looking at me with "puppy dog eyes".
Scott dried her, put her PJ's on and put her to bed.

I went in to say goodnight.......... with sticky tape.
I started pulling strips off.
I handed them to her and said "these are for your heart".
She looked at me with disgust!

This weekend Scott and I went away to the city.
It had been planned for months.
The original plans were that Amelia was going away on a camp with Yooralla and Tom was going to mum and dads.
My dad went into hospital last week with an unknown condition.
7 days later it is still unknown.
They could not have Tom obviously, so plans were made for him to go to someones house that we happily assist regularly.

We had an awesome Saturday afternoon and night as a "couple".
Yummy cocktails (for me!) and delicious dinner.
Something that we never get to do.
It was AWESOME.
The weekend was cut short on the Sunday but we still had a great time.

Tomorrow we begin another new stage.
Wish us luck.

(If you have been invited to my 40th and have not replied then please do so!)

xxx

No title is appropriate for this one.

Hello!

(this entry was a work in progress over 3 weeks, so bare with me)

After a very tumultuous year, I arrive to you in a much happier place.
After many tears I came to the decision to resign from my teaching position.

I battled, tried different approaches, tried to settle on accepting negativity and defending myself when it really was not needed.... ALL YEAR.

Kindergarten Teaching is no longer just "teaching children" and working with the child's family.
It is no longer just using your knowledge through a teaching degree and constantly updating with Professional development courses and informal meetings.
It is no longer just keeping detailed records and preparing the child for formal school entry.
It is no longer just about having FUN.

The new style Kindergarten teaching is now also about office politics.
It is about an industry believing they are part of the "corporate world" when they most definitely are not.
The extra hours that have always been done by a "good teacher" are now expected due to the workload etc etc etc etc.
It is admin, staff meetings and staff communication books where people complain about coffee mugs not being washed.
It is pedantic crap that I can no longer comprehend.
It is coming home at least 20 times over a 9 month period because people are so mean.

The final point of my story here is, I was given a "difficult centre" with "difficult management" and combined with the above, took so much day time and evening hours and caused SO many tears from nasty people that I could do it no longer.

I am incredibly upset about the children and parents I have left behind.
To be part of such an important and personal part of a child's life is an honour.

Children relying on your protection during the time they spend with you, I have had to travel through the pathway of "failure" to come out the other side this past 2 weeks. ( now 4 weeks)

I find that I am reminding myself of the friends I have lost in the last few years and questioning the person I may have become without realising.

How can so many people.... (7)..... grow to dislike me so much over the last few years ???

I am not allowed to return to say goodbye to the kids that I worked for.
That hurts the most.
I resigned.
I did nothing wrong.

Anyway, enough crap about me........

Amelia is awesome but FULL of attitude!

Comments like ......
"So bad, so sad" are heard from her.
When we lost the Internet the other night, Tom started having a hissy fit.
Amelia threw her hands up in the air and said  "It is the end of the world. Our life is over!" while laughing.
Scott and I could not stop laughing.

Yooralla have sent her an email inviting her to attend various programs on their "school holiday program".
(please read my previous blog on my strong objection to other carers looking after her).
After reading all the activities out to Amelia 2 weeks ago, she strongly chose what she would like to attend.
For 2 WEEKS Amelia has been telling AND ringing people to tell them she is going to The Royal Melbourne Show next week.
Our poor deprived children have never been.

(Amelia has since been and LOVED it. She has also attended the production of "Annie" and gone rock climbing. Next week she will have a "reptile encounter" and go to a trampoline warehouse).

I am very proud of her.
She asked to participate in activities outside of our family and we listened.
She wanted some kind of independence and we listened.

We have built a trusting relationship with Yooralla and therefore I am proud of us.
I am known as the "overprotective parent" and I am ok with that.

Today we sit and watch the AFL Grand Final as a family unit.
Outings are limited now........
I do not know why.
Have I / we changed that much to lose so many friends......

To struggle so much with nasty people at work?

I do not know anymore.

I will leave you with Part 2 of a conversation recently in our house......

AMELIA : "Mum? Will I be able to walk when I am an adult?
ME : "No Amelia". (me crying). "You wont be able to".
AMELIA : "Thats ok. I thought that. I think about it lots".
ME : "I understand that you would. If you have any questions, you can always ask us sweety".

TOM : "Dont worry Amelia. When we grow up, you will live with me. I will look after you".

I had to walk away and sob.

xxx

Miss Amelia Update

Hello people far and wide.

Thought I may need to focus on a blog about Amelia for once!

Amelia is doing well at the moment.
We received the results back from the blood tests from a few months ago.
You may remember her having to have them because SCOTT PROMISED HER A $90 GIFT IF SHE DID IT !!!!
Anyway the tests results came back "normal".
That is excellent.
A-T can cause or create horrible things to a child's internal organs.
The threat of cancer (1000 times more likely than a non A-T child) damage to the liver, kidneys and lungs are all a constant concern.
We were very relieved to hear that she is fine for now.

We have also started seeing more of a "new"doctor at our local medical centre.
He is very sweet and we are discovering very thorough.
He has explained that he has spent time researching Ataxia Telangiectasia.
The last time Amelia saw him, he spoke to Amelia so beautifully and was obviously holding back tears in his eyes.
We saw him this time because Amelia vomits after waking up about 3 mornings out of 7.
We wanted to check whether it was something to do with an internal organ that we were unaware of.
He decided it was anxiety.
Even though she is still vomiting, we are all more comfortable knowing that it is just as Amelia calls it "nervous about the day ahead".

I visited this doctor on a different occasion for something and we got onto the subject of his baby daughter having an ailment that could be life threatening.
After some discussion, I discovered it was because she has a rather large birthmark called a "giant hairy nevus".
Disgusting name really.
Tom has one too though.
While trying to hide my panic I questioned the life threatening part.
He explained it can become cancerous if it sees the sun.
I breathed a sigh of relief then because Tom's is on his butt.
Tom will now be instructed no skinny dipping FOR LIFE.

This doctor then chose to research for any link between the birthmark (cannot call it THAT name!) and A-T.
There is one.
I can now be pretty sure that even though Tom obviously does not have A-T, he carries the gene and therefore may pass it on to his own children in the future, as Scott and I have done to poor Amelia.

Glad we have found this man.

Amelia is coming home exhausted sometimes from school.
Her biggest symptom is fatigue so it is understandable.
This year her teachers are taking her out of her chair a lot.
She is being placed on special sitting machines to stretch her thighs.
She is being placed on her tummy to strengthen her arms.
She regularly uses a walker that she is strapped into (we were shocked to learn that she literally does laps of the school with great excitement).
At a recent "school games day" she was in a race in the walker. Apparently she was incredibly competitive and once the race started virtually ran so she could win!
Amelia is being challenged to spell, read, type on a computer and participate in craft activities (amongst other things).
There is also the swimming class most Tuesdays.

After a rather difficult year for most of us, Amelia is going through a "cheeky" stage.
She is normally quite subdued when outside the home and when returning home on the bus the other night the bus driver got out his drivers door and said "Amelia has been very entertaining on the drive home. I have never seen her like this!"
As he opened the back door for Amelia to come down the lift, she is loudly laughing and singing "Happy Birthday" to no one.
The driver and I wondered whether there had been some kind of "happy hour" at school that day!

Her sense of humour is shining at the moment and we are all loving it.
Every night on our way to bed she calls out "CONGA". Tom comes running from wherever and stands in front of her.
Do you know how hard it is to fully support her while all 3 of us do the conga to her bedroom?!

Besides going to school she does not really socialise with any other children anymore.
Tom is all that she has.
They have an amazing bond.
They both adore each other.
I do not know how to change the social side of things because I see children struggling to know what to say and do when around her.

A thought that has also crossed Scott and my minds recently is how Tom is going to be when he finds out Amelia's fate with A-T.
If we leave it until his teenage years then he may turn against us.
He may become angry that we did not tell him sooner.
But I am also not ready to watch him fall apart with this horrible knowledge.

Amelia has many fears and worries now.
She cannot handle loud noises and gets very upset if she is startled by one.
We cannot mention anything  "concerning" about Tom in front of her, because she then excessively worries about him. It can be a low diabetes reading (hypo) or the cancellation about something he was looking forward to.
Amelia can no longer handle crowds large or small.
She cannot handle too many people in a room.
Anything can set her off but I am grateful that she knows to ask questions and that is when we know to reassure her.
She has also learnt basic sign language at school (that she then teaches us). If she is unable to talk she can sign it.

Amelia has grown a lot taller and leaner this past 12 months.
She is now as tall as my forehead. So she is about 155cm tall.
Her legs are no longer strong enough to hold her up even with us supporting her so it is very difficult on our backs, but we manage.

So there you go.
Amelia in a nutshell at the moment.

 Amelia and our beautiful Scamp

 The ipad Queen

 Something was apparently hysterical

 Art class (which my parents friend will not let us pay for)

Tom and I at junior footy the day I had to be the umpire !!!

Love these kids.

xxx

A Beautiful Person

Hello everyone.

Many of you know the beautiful friend we made through Amelia's Project that lives in New Zealand.
You may remember that she flew over to meet us.......... (you read that correctly) after reading about our family in a magazine.
You may remember me telling you that we were worried that she may be some psycho axe murderer and her family were worried we may be just a "scam".
Meeting the genuinely beautiful Holly Detman could not have been any different.
She flew over to give Amelia a big hug and a photo album she had handcrafted herself.

No ulterior motive.

Next she flew over to attend the BrAshA-T gala night to help raise funds to find a cure for Ataxia Telangiectasia.

The last time we saw her she stayed with us.
She wanted to attend the final Amelia's Project Gala night.

She has now become one of my closest friends and Scott, Amelia, Tom and I consider her as part of our family.

What people do not know is that Holly and Marcus have been desperately wanting a child since long before we met them.

Today they announced they are pregnant.
One little tadpole swam with all it's might to stay and grow in Holly's body.

We are beside ourselves excited for them in this house.

This is a couple that truly deserves the gift of a child.
It is going to be the most well loved, well cared for little miracle.

Congratulations Holly and Marcus.

xxx

Bored

Hello friends,

I am bored and feeling yuk with a full on head cold, so I thought I would bore all of you too.
These a "quotes" that have made me laugh, or just really think recently.
I may actually do a post about Miss Amelia one day !!!
Enjoy :) 



Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable. but it is a way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting tomatos, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

xxx

Thank you

Hello everyone.

Thank you for your response to my previous blog.
I should not be surprised how many are silently dealing with depression.

I should add that another "double whammy" is the changes in society and expectations on individuals.
Pressures from work, "keeping up with the Jones's", parenting skills, how you SHOULD be, how you SHOULDN'T be ........ etc etc etc etc can be very overwhelming.

Writing that piece was very draining and has made me sit back and think.
I need to continue writing the book again.

I came across this on the Internet and think it is very powerful from so many different angles.
The words, not just because of WHO said them, should be a guide in how to live life.
It only goes for 1 minute.


http://www.sunnyskyz.com/happy-videos/1033/The-Most-Beautiful-Tribute-To-Robin-Williams-And-It-s-Just-A-Minute-Long#M7OLky9AJQ0rvyX3.01

xxx

Depression

Hello dear friends.

I am going to attempt to write a piece on something very close to my heart.
It comes from many experiences from those around me, both past and present.
It comes from my own experiences.

I have battled with the decision on whether to write about this or not, for a few days now.

It will not be correct to many, but it is to me.

The death of the very famous Robin Williams has rocked many of us.
He was like the "uncle" you wished you had.
He was kind, a genius in comedy and someone that appeared to love everyone.

He made everyone laugh with his humour.
It is like we all knew him.

He is the LAST person to have depression......surely?
He had all the money in the world, a beautiful family and a successful career that any actor would dream of.
Surely he could fix his depression with the rest of the world at his feet????

These past few days, I have read many things that made me question whether people really understand depression.
I am talking about REAL depression.
The one that is with you for life and not brought on by hardship, a difficult situation, a period of time that will improve.
I want to talk about the one that means that your brain is incapable of releasing the happy hormones on a daily basis.
The depression where the chemical imbalance in your brain means daily life is a struggle.
For some people it can be for short periods at a time....others longer periods.
As with everything in life, each individual, with depression, is different.

Some people seek therapy and this can sometimes help.
Some learn to create their own coping mechanisms.
Some just keep putting one foot in front of the other to try and continue the daily grind.
A lot of people with depression always have a smile and function at what is considered an acceptable level.

You may never know that your best friend suffers from it.

What is incredibly interesting is that most "outsiders" would never know what these people are dealing with.
It is who they are and many have learnt to "mask" a difficult period.

The difference of long term, or life long depression compared to a shorter term depression is these people know it will come back again.
When and where is impossible to determine.
You just know it is there.

There is also the "situations" that can cause depression like anyone else.
A double whammy so to speak.

For outsiders to say "move on", "get over it" or "cheer up" is not helpful.
It is the brain controlling it through the release of hormones.
Medication can help but it is also a matter of finding the right one and the right balance.

The best quote I read this week was from another famous actor... Ricky Gervais.
 Telling people with depression to "just snap out of it" is about as useful as telling people with cancer to "just stop having cancer".

Society and individual people in general are confused about how to handle people in a difficult period.
I cannot answer how myself.....
except to say be there.
message even if they do not repond.
call even if they do not answer.
do not pressure, just say you are there and you care.
be non judgemental and show them that you are.
understand that they are still a person who is worthy of your time.
show them that.

Depression is quite often hidden from others due to the silent negative stigma towards it.
People look at you differently.
People treat you differently.
People are wary.
Employers are hesitant to treat you equally.
Friends think you may not be as much fun.

To search for the positives in every difficult situation is paramount.
"oh. I am tired....... Maybe my body needs to rest so I can function better in the future".
"Tomorrow is a new day".
"We will stay home today. It will give me some time with family or catch up on movies, TV shows or sleep".
There is a positive affirmation in everything.

Lots turn to alcohol and drugs.
The endorphins they bring, even though short, are a welcome relief.
A feeling of happiness, being numb and in a different "head space".
But that only exasperates the depression.
It adds to the feeling of sadness when you come down off them.
But it can be hard to get to the point of realising this.

I can only guess what it must be like when you get to the stage where suicide is the only answer.
Some call it "selfish" or being a "coward".
I can only imagine it is when someone is at the bottom of a deep, dark well and can see no way out.
They have tried so many options.
Had so many negative interactions with those around them and possibly see themselves as a burden.
The feelings of pain within themselves for not only themselves, but those around them must be overwhelming.

People live with depression everyday.
It is not a contagious disease.

I have had many people get cross with me or criticise the different facets of my own depression.
A lot of us "joke" about the things that actually personally upset us.
Subjects we just cannot move on from.
Sometimes you go through a positive phase of thinking and then BAM the negative kicks in.
Depression can make you say and think things that are not sensible.

My weight gain would be my own personal example.
I hate my body.
That is just something I have grabbed hold of and cannot let go of.

I do not know all there is to know about depression and some may disagree with what I have written.
I am just grateful that we live in a house where people know they are welcome to just come and talk.
We are lucky to talk about depression with those around us suffering from it.
It is not all negative talk. A lot of it is humour.
You have to laugh about it sometimes!

I am accepting of my own depression and having those close to me just being there when I am sailing through a difficult patch.

Now to plan my 40th Birthday.
It will be at a massive trampoline warehouse and everyone has to wear superhero constumes.
It will be hired out just for me and those I love and care for.

That is sensible thinking.....right ??!!

xxx