Sunday, 31 July 2011

Up and Down......

Everyone in our house seems to have moods lately like Melbourne's weather.
All over the place.
Whether it is tears, happiness, tiredness, anger or wanting a big cuddle, each one of us is unpredictable.
Amelia and Tom are displaying behaviours that I have never witnessed before.
Lots of emotions and lots of Jekyl and Hyde.
But we are also dealing with our own individual difficulties (and successes) and supporting each other through each day.
Maybe we are all going to become much stronger within, from what has happened this year. Or maybe we will all crumble.......

But speaking for myself only, I can confidently describe the "outer body experience" I have been having lately. Hopefully I can explain this correctly...........
Quite often I visualise this ugly, vile ogre sitting next to me....... lets just call him Mr Depression......and he is just waiting to attack.
Lately I am very tired, cannot get up in the morning and always have a headache.
Having suffered depression (in the past) and anxiety for many years, I have been able to get a lot of hours of therapy. I can happily say I know myself extremely well. And I analyse a lot.
The best thing I ever did was 2 years ago......
I learnt to accept me FOR me.
I learnt to accepts my faults and understand they are what makes ME.
And I decided that as long as I am "morally and ethically correct" in everything I do, I cannot continue worrying and doubting myself.
People can either like me or hate me.
Because this is ME.
And the feeling of contentment and confidence slowly grew, until I realised that I am quite happy being ME.

But now I can feel Mr Depression sitting......waiting.

I am absolutely determined NOT to let him climb on board.

I believe I know myself well enough to know that I am struggling.
Someone explained it perfectly to me recently ......
"it is like you are a duck. Calm and peaceful on the surface, but madly paddling to stay afloat underneath."
Perfect description.

Maybe that is why I do not mention Amelia much on this blog.
Originally it was created to inform everyone of her progress.
But I really struggle with that.
Because there is no progress.
There is no improving.
Everyday we see struggle and decline.
So instead I focus on the journey as THE PARENT.
It helps me continue with each day and try to find the positives.

Maybe these could be my goals for the week...........
*Talk about Amelia on blog.
*Bash Mr Depression with a hammer..........


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