One day I will learn.
When you emotionally post a statement on Facebook, your friends worry.
The messages, phone calls and home visits were appreciated.
I am lucky to have so many friends that care about us so much.
The "wine fairy" even made an appearance again.
I am now officially burnt out.
I am so emotionally drained and exhausted.
At least the tears have started flowing so I can now release some of this weight I feel upon my shoulders.
School 2012 was meant to be "time for me".
Instead I find myself stressing over both children.
Instead I have two children that have HUGE things happening in their lives.
There is also "other" things happening around me where I am needed.
Amelia broke down yesterday and said
"I want to go to the special school full time".
I asked her the reasons why and she said......
"It is more fun".
"It is nice and quiet".
"The other one is boring. I do not know what to do there".
"I can play with people at playtime".
Absolutely broke my heart.
Here is this little girl that I only want happiness for and she is explaining to me how "out of place" she feels at her mainstream school.
How she has just found a place where she feels comfortable and belongs.
Sounds like the decision is easy then, doesn't it?
I do not think so.
Once she moves, that is it.
No moving back.
You cannot make such a BIG decision based on a bad day or a "whim".
It has to be well thought about and decided it is 100% definate.
I have absolutely no issues with her attending special school full time.
I am worried about all of the friends she will be leaving behind.
And she has many.
I have explained this, named them, pointed them out .......
But I think she has decided.
Now I am taking her to a place where she feels so ...... different.
I believe that she feels "bored" because she is unable to keep up or understand the work in class.
She said "I do not know what to do in the classroom".
When I see Amelia with her friends and favorite staff members at mainstream she has a massive smile on her face.
She would not see them anymore.
She would be catching a bus to and from school, straight from our front door.
(This is something she is very eager to do).
I only want to do what is right by Amelia.
I want her to feel comfortable and happy everyday.
I never want her to feel "different" if I can help it.
She may only have a short time with us so I need to make it the best possible time it can be.
And then there is Tom.
The responsibility and independence put on this little 5 year old so soon after starting school is also heartbreaking.
I am a mother who likes to see my child walk into class at the beginning of the day and be there waiting when he comes out.
The drop off / pick up zone has never been for us.
But at least he is extremely eager to get out of the car and make his own way to class.
I am not.
But yesterday when Amelia was crying and begging not to go to mainstream, Tom looked at her and said "but I am there. Please don't leave me".
And the tears keep flowing.