Exciting news

I am very excited to share some special news with you all.

Amelia has been chosen, by all the staff at her special school, to be the "Primary Representative" on the SRC (Student Representative Council).

She was taken aside and asked whether she would like to accept the role and she enthusiastically answered "Yes"!

Considering it is normally given to an 11 or 12 year old (and Amelia is 9) we are very proud that the staff feel Amelia is compatible for this responsibility.

2013 has already brought with it a massive change in Amelia as a whole, so I am sure this new responsibilty will only add to the new "spunk" in her personality lately.
Her speech therapist has even commented on how much her speech has improved this year.

Next week we will be attending a special assembly at the school where Amelia will be presented with a special "badge" to acknowledge her new role.

Yesterday was Valentines Day and I was ordered to pick up Amelia early from school so that she could attend her first "date" with J.
Presents were exchanged and there were lots of giggles and smiles.

After J suggested a kiss and attempted hand holding, Scott decided that "we need to keep an eye on that boy"!!!!

xxx

A victim no more

Amelia is great.
Like really, really great !

There are now new members in her classroom and some have "graduated" into the high school area.

Amelia appears to have have developed really quickly in not only confidence, but also speech, personality and sense of humor.

She is now one of the oldest and her confidence has soared.

I think there may also be an element of "ruling the roost" in her classroom as well.

Amelia comes home and continues this confident behaviour with us as well.
I love it !!!

Tom has settled in very well to his Grade 1 class.
After some initial anxiety, he is now also displaying happiness and confidence.
I am very happy with his beautiful writing, spelling and reading at the moment.

Yesterday I began my life as a "working mum".

I came home very overwhelmed and distressed that I would not be able to do it.
While we are completing all of the paperwork for an "occasional child care centre", I will be assisting other employees at endota spa with whatever and whenever they want.

Yesterday I walked into the office petrified.
After recent weeks, I realised just how much self-confidence I had actually lost.
I fumbled, forgot and made many mistakes.
Information was in form of a tidal wave and I found myself unable to absorb it's force.

I was just digging a hole for myself and really wanted to crawl under a desk and hide.

Admin and reception is not my area of expertise........
but it needs to be for the next few weeks.

So......new plan of attack.

I was given a glimpse of myself.
Needy and a victim.

That is not me.

So I went in today a totally different person.

I will now declare TODAY the day that I pull myself out of this slump and behave like the person that I am.

I do have elements of needy.
I know that.
BUT, I will not be a victim.

If a 6 and 9 year old can show such confidence in new and challenging situations, then so can I.

Finally I would like to end with "work talk".......

"The traffic in to work today was horrendous".

Now does that make me sound like a "working mum" ?????

xxx

Funny

I was about to apologise for the honesty in previous entries.
Then I was also going to apologise for the recent influx of entries.

But then I realised that part of this stage I am going through is about accepting who I am.

So I WILL NOT apologise for being me !!!

Anyway more cleaning (my laundry is no longer covered in cat food and cat litter!) and therefore more thinking.

Surprisingly enough, after recent posts, I have some hilarious stories to tell everyone.
(do not fall over.......we still have humor in the house!).

STORY 1
After my entry on Friday I spent the afternoon sobbing.
Not just crying, actually sobbing.

Amelia came home from school and says defiantly "Well I told him".
I looked at her and said "Told who what?".
"I told J that if he is going to have other girlfriends then I am going to have M as my boyfriend too".

At this stage I began wondering who this child was that just got off the special school bus.
This was definately NOT my angelic daughter that left this morning.

"Ok" I said "And where was M?".
"Sitting on the other side of me" Amelia said with attitude.
"And what did J say?" I asked.
"Nothing" she answered.
"And what did M say?" I asked trying REALLY hard not to laugh.
"He just smiled".

I lost it.
I could not stop laughing.

When I encouraged her to tell Scott about "the incident" that night she began by pointing at him and said firmly "Do not laugh".

STORY 2
This morning I thought it would be fun to take Levi (aka Steve) out to meet Amelia's friends on the bus. Little Scamp (our other dog) comes out excitedly every morning to greet everyone.

Anyway.......Levi runs straight to the bus and stands on the lift and waits.
We all laugh.
So Bob uses the control to take him onto the bus.
Levi runs around and has a sniff and look.
Amelia gets on and goes to her "spot".
Levi stands next to her.
Levi does not get off when I tell him to.
Levi ignores me and looks straight ahead.
I board the bus and Levi runs down the back and hides.
I DRAG him to the door and he gets away from me.
I DRAG him again and with more force get him off.

HE GOES UNDER THE BUS.

Yes. You read that correctly.

So now I get on my hands and knees and try to coax him out.
Tom decides that he needs food to coax him out.
Tom runs inside and gets popcorn.
POPCORN......yes I can really see him coming out for that !!!!!
Bob revs the engine to scare him out.
Levi moves to a better position.

I crawl on my stomach under bus and grab the bloody dog by the scruff of the neck and haul him out.

Amelia is crying because she is laughing so much and my driveway is covered in bloody POPCORN !!!!!!

Could only happen to us.

xxx

Cleaning makes me think.

Thank you for the messages over the last few days.

I apologise that I have not accepted the requests of walks, cuppa's and visits.

My body and mind just does not feel like socialising.

On a positive note, I can feel myself working through this current situation.

I asked Scott to read my blog entry on Friday night.
He ended up staying awake for hours.
He ended up reading many of them.
When I questioned his thoughts he said "it was good to see the ebb and flo. Your emotions really are up and down".
He did not fully know my daily thoughts.

I write about my feelings better than I talk.

So I spent the weekend feeling like someone with a very unstable mental condition.
I suppose in a way I do suffer from one.
But I do not know any other way to work through this situation and be a good mum.
This blog, in a way, has been my saviour.

Anyway, I am not dancing from the rooftops yet, but hopefully I will be soon.

My new mantra of "swallow some concrete and harden the f*#@ up" is definately helping.
I am giving myself some tough love.
Today I am thoroughly cleaning my house (it has only been done once over the last 6 weeks).
I am even cleaning out the bin cupboard.
I am on a roll !!

Over the last few days I have also experienced some anger and regret over a situation that occured last year.
Today I realised I cannot move on from the fact that I lost some very dear friends.
I do not know how to deal with it.
It has never happened to me before.
There was so much nastiness and so many lies.

I just wish I could rewind and have handled the situation differently.
But the response would have probably been the same.

I just miss them and the people they took with them.

xxx

Lost

Lets begin today's session with "happy thoughts".

Amelia and Tom started their 2013 school year yesterday.
Both at different schools and both handling it differently.

Amelia boarded her bus like she was there yesterday.
She arrived home with excited stories of new children in her class, new staff members and the new roles and responsibilities for each individual (Amelia has to read the weather each day).
She spoke of a discussion at "circle time" regarding "feelings".
She told everyone "I get angry at my mum when she takes me shopping and does not buy me anything"!!!

Tom was obviously nervous and very quiet in the morning.
He came home exhausted but happy.
Last night he tossed and turned in his sleep and called out in his dreams.
A definate sign of anxiety for him.

Me?
Well I do not know how I feel.
I know that I am mentally and physically drained.
I know that I am mentally beating myself up constantly.
I know that I look at Amelia and wonder WHY?

Lost.
I feel lost.

I have been here before (in the land of lost) and I know that I will find my way out.
I always do.

Today I decided not to fight this "stage" that I am travelling through.
I will just sit on the ride until it ends.

There are many techniques that I have used in the past to speed up the process but this time I just do not have enough energy to get up and do them.

Sad.
I feel sad.

The visualisation of spiralling downwards keeps appearing in my mind.
It is slow.

I try to speed it up, so that it can hit rock bottom.
Then I can start the climb to the top again.
But I just need to ride with it......for now.

Poor Scott.
He just keeps attempting the typical male solution....."to fix it".
But he can't.
So he just worries instead.

But he does not need to.

Maybe rock bottom is a massive flood of tears.
Maybe it is just sitting on the couch and rejuvenating for a few days.

Amelia has Ataxia Telangiectasia.

It is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.

I just do not understand why the Universe chooses the most heartbreaking situations for some people to live all day everyday.

I constantly hear "You only get given what you can handle".

Well......maybe sometimes I do not "handle" it.
Maybe sometimes I just want my precious daughter to be able to walk, run and feed herself.

I just want her to grow up and live an amazing life.

Now the tears arrive, I thank you for joining me in this very deep psych session......

xxx

Psych analysis

My apologies for the previous entry.
(I hate the word "blog" ....makes me feel like something you do in the toilet!).

Unfortunately I have been travelling down a very quiet negative pathway for a number of weeks.

I normally steer clear of the "poor us" thoughts but lately they have been dominant and I have been submissive....... (yes. I am reading 50 shades AGAIN!).

Anyway, all jokes aside, I have been feeling very sad about what our life has become.
The what we "can't" do.... rather than the what we "can".
The way our life "could" be...... rather than what it "is".
The "negatives"...... rather than the "positives".

Maybe I should have begun documenting it sooner.
Scott even said "oh great. The whole world knows before I do.".

Writing clears my head and rationalises everything for me.
I am able to articulate it better typing.
I do not understand it myself until I begin writing.

The comments I recieve help greatly too.
I read......I walk away......I think.

Anyway I have settled on a number of reasons for my recent decline.

Healthy eating went out the window over the last 6 weeks.
Emotional eating replaced it AGAIN.
The difference is massive for me (may be my next science experiment).
I feel crap.....I think negative.

My frustration and anger was possibly being channeled through the personal training.
I have done NO exercise for 6 weeks.

I am actually very lucky that I have only put 4 kilo's on from the original 14 I lost.

And finally my last assessment of myself........
Kids constantly for 6 weeks.
I was very spoilt last year.
So much time to rejuvenate.
The children arrive home eager to tell me about their day.
The house was immaculate (unfortunately something I crave).
And I honestly feel that the stimulation that they get from their school environment/s is better than what I can offer.

But......... recent comments point to Amelia and Tom's need for just "our company".

Last weekend we had to pick Amelia up from a sleepever.
A sleepover that she has done since she was 6 weeks old.
It was her nanny and poppy's house.

The reason for her early departure?

She just wanted to be with her "family".

xxx

Normal stuff

I have been struggling about what to write on here recently.
So many events, conversations and realisations that it has been difficult to comprehend how I could possibly put it all into words.

My struggle has been about "what to do" with my children on their very long six week holiday.

I have mentioned Mildura and Very Special Kids house...............
BUT it is the "normal" activities that I have REALLY struggled greatly with.

Swimming?.........great but it exhausts Amelia to the point she cannot talk or walk.
Beach?............after our horrible experience last year (where I could not get her across the sand back to the car) is not to be considered.
Art/sculpture park walk?............ground too uneven for Amelia's wheelchair.
Carnivals/waterparks?..............Amelia is either unable to participate or the sights and sounds are too overwhelming for her.

Amelia likes to sit at home or go shopping.
Most places around us are not wheelchair friendly.
She does not like too much stimulation, noise, people or lights.

Very difficult to try and plan six weeks for Amelia and one very active  6 year old child.

To Tom's credit, he does not demand entertainment.
He has learnt to entertain himself.
I just want to offer and provide what other children are able to experience.

I openly admit, I have really struggled these holidays.
My usual positive and happy self has struggled to appear.

I just want to have the option to take my children wherever I want.
A park is quite often not an option anymore.
Amelia complains the whole time we are there about being "bored".
Of course she is bored !!!!
What can she do?
Play on the climbing equipment and run around with her friends?

With Tom getting older and Amelia deteriorating even more......
It is difficult.

Next week both children begin their new school year.
For the first time in many years, I cannot wait.
Tom will have mental and physical stimulation for many hours.
Amelia will have the same but in an environment "perfect" for her.

I do not feel that I have done a very good job the past six weeks.
I have struggled.

Whinge over......

xxx