A message for the female readers only.

Hello everyone.

Six days ago I had to under go an operation.
Originally it had begun as an operation to reduce my monthly blood flow by 90%.

Since giving birth to Tom , almost 7 years ago, I have been losing a ridiculously large amount.
As well as having difficulty leaving the house (humiliation), it also made me exceptionally tired.

I thought it was the repercussion of giving birth naturally.
I also thought that it was hereditary.

After having to take a day off my new employment in February, I realised it may be something that I needed to address.
I could no longer lock myself away and spend the time at home during these periods (pun intended!).

The specialist that I was referred to also delivered Tom.....almost 7 years ago.
The lasting memories I have of that birth (compared to Amelia's horrendous one) was a good start.

He suggested that I needed an 'ablation'.
It meant that he had to burn the base of the uterus and it would seal it shut.
(Like if you put your finger over a cut, it would stop the bleeding that would then continue circulating around the body).

Recovery would be 3 days at the most.
The procedure would be done under general anesthetic and I would be home late that afternoon.

After dealing with this issue for so long, it seemed to be a massive step but also a logical one.

The operation date was set for 12 days after this appointment.
Scott was organised to be at home with the kids while they were on holidays.

I had to undergo a blood test and ultrasound of the pelvis before the operation.

During the ultrasound, I knew something was "wrong".
I actually rang Scott from the car afterwards to explain the conversation that occurred with the person doing it.

Three hours later the specialist rang me and said "they found a 7cm lump on one of your ovaries. You need to come in and see me".

So 2 days later Scott and I were told about the "apple sized" lump on my left ovary.
That needed to come out too.
Recovery is now 7 days.

Leaving for surgery at 6:20am in the dark was scary.
I tip toed so that I did not wake anyone.

Lying on the stretcher naked, except for a hospital gown, is scary.
I have done it before (varicose veins and wisdom teeth) but it does not get any easier.

No mental stimulation or entertainment.......just thinking.

I did that for 90 minutes having NO IDEA when they were just going to get it over and done with.

As I was wheeled into the waiting room for theatre all I remember is a nurse talking to me.
Then nothing.

I woke up in the recovery room confused.
Has it happened?
But I do not remember going to sleep?!

Then the pressure.
The pressure on my lower stomach region.

Oh shit.
They have done it.
Here we go.
Recovery.

Then I began shaking......almost convulsing.
I wanted Scott.
I was dazed and confused.

They increased the morphine.
A kind nurse sat and held my hand.

I do not know how long I was there in recovery.
The shaking seemed to go on forever.
I was drifting in and out of consciousness.

Then the nurses started discussing my oxygen levels.
I remember many nurses standing around me talking about the levels being low and my breathing was shallow.

In my morphine haze, I remember a nurse saying "Put the oxygen on her. I bet she is a smoker".
I managed to say that I was.
I heard her say "that is why you need help with oxygen".

I remember my feelings changing from petrified to angry at myself.
Because I smoke cigarettes, I am struggling to breathe properly after an operation.

I needed to have the oxygen on till the following morning......all because I smoke.

As if that was not enough reason to quit smoking, the "black stuff" that I coughed up off my lungs the following morning definitely was.

My time in hospital seems like a dream.
Lots of nausea, slipping in and out of sleep, 2 litres of something fed through me via a drip to raise my very low blood pressure and the uncomfortable feeling in my lower stomach.

I remember my doctor coming in and telling me that the lump was much bigger than originally thought. It was also very hard. He believed that it was going to be soft and full of fluid.
In my drug haze he spoke of the much longer operation (90 minutes), longer recovery period now, tests being done on the lump and how I am lucky he was able to get it all out through key hole surgery. He explained that he almost had to make a bigger incision to remove it. He explained that the left ovary had been totally destroyed by it

Once I came home the strong painkillers took over and Scott became my nurse.

The drugs made me tired and Scott explained that was good. It made me stay in bed and rest.
I think that he enjoyed telling me what to with authority for once !

Obviously the main difficulty has been managing Amelia.
Scott ran the house perfectly.
Tom has been wonderful at entertaining and looking after himself.
BUT if Amelia needs anything she has to have physical assistance.
Toileting and showering and eating are tasks that I have been unable to help her with.

I did not realise how much I used my stomach muscles to move her from one situation to the next.

As the person who also does a lot of the household chores it has also been very frustrating not being able to help Scott.

So as I battle to get back to normal, I am reminding myself of a few things........
I am lucky.
Had I not decided to finally address my "monthly", the "grapefruit sized lump" would never have been found.
What I considered was the "cards I had been dealt" was not the case at all.
The back pain and the cramps were symptoms of the lump.
The heavy bleeding was probably from the lump too.
Finally something has shown me what smoking is doing to my body (even though I still want one constantly). I HAVE OFFICIALLY QUIT.
I may have a few stiches and scars but it could have been so much more.
And the best thing?
The test results on the lump showed it to be a benign tumour.
Even the doctor said he thought it may have pre-cancerous cells.
It had no sign of cancer in it.

I am very, very lucky.

xxx

Easter 2013

Easter time is a time for family.......for me.

It is the same as Christmas.

Most people know my thoughts on religion and I expect everyone to accept each other for their own beliefs.

I love Easter because there is no work, school or commitments.

We currently have a yucky cold and sore throat running through this house, so I am grateful for the time to recuperate, refresh and time to not stress.

It is wonderful.

Last year we went camping, the year before we spent in front of an open fire.......this year we are enjoying ourselves as a family at home.

On Tuesday I have to have a small operation at the hospital.

It is not major, but is a lump that needs to come out and get tested.
Recovery will be about 7 days.

So this weekend is extra special.

Time to just relax and enjoy each others company.
(and to also get over this virus!).

My recent concerns about "FRIENDS" was obviously unjustified.
Just my silly little mind....... and a reminder that I need to actually organise things for myself.

Thank you to everyone for calling and contacting me recently.
Thank you for the concern over the "lump".

Everything is going to be fine.
I can just feel it.

Have a most wonderful Easter everyone.
Enjoy your family and cherish what you have.
My sincerest love goes out to each one of you.

Now to go find some chocolate........

xxx

Dear Scott

A letter to my Husband,

To my dearest Scott,

Yesterday was the day we began our relationship 23 years ago.

(it is not the week earlier where we kissed at a party and then you did not follow through on your promise to call me in the following days. No. It is the day after I approached you at McDonalds and demanded to know what you were doing the following night because I would be inviting myself along!).

We were both 15 years old.

We had more differences than we did similarities but we became inseparable.
Every weekend we saw each other.
Every night we spoke on the phone.

In 3 days time it will be 14 years since we were married.

The stages we have travelled through and the events we have shared together are what makes our life unique.

Schooling, exams, driving, university, employment, moving out of home and even purchasing our first pet...... have all contributed to the life we have created.
The life we share.

The birth of our children was one we survived together.
Our differences were blurred now because we had grown together as one and the morals and values we wanted for our children were the same.

The future was to be happy and hopefully healthy.

Then a situation was thrown at us that tears many couples apart.

We were both told to "go home and enjoy every moment with your daughter".

The news that our daughter had a terminal illness only brought us closer together.
All differences were gone now.
We were now partners in giving all that we can to our precious children.

We support each other through the good and the bad.
We share the joy and the sorrow.
We try so very hard to create happiness when all we both want to do sometimes is curl up and cry.

Recently I have realised that I have taken you for granted.
You have always been there and I knew that you always would be.

You are part of me.
You will always be part of me.
You are the only one that will always be there with me.

I know that you often just "go with the flow".
I organise, plan and decide.
You do not argue or dispute.

Recently you told me that I was "the strongest woman that you know".
My reply is that it is sometimes the person that stands behind you that is stronger.
The person who supports and loves the one at the front.

Scott Nicholds, I am honoured to travel this journey with you.
To search for the positives and happiness.
To enjoy every moment with each other as well as our precious children.

You are such an amazing person and I thank you for coming into my life.

Love always and forever

Amanda
xxx

Dear Amelia

A letter to my daughter........

To My Dearest Amelia,

I love you so much it hurts.
I will always love you.

Every single person in this world has been given a life.
Rich or poor, happy or sad, long or short.

People are born with different coloured hair, eyes and skin.

Their country, their family members and society contribute to the person they become.

From the moment you turned 4 months of age you were special.
You were happy, affectionate and social.

You made people smile.

As you grew older things started happening to your body.
It was more difficult to do things and self manage daily tasks.
I cannot comprehend what it is like to lose brain cells and struggle with something that you could do a day earlier.

I could continue writing about all of the sad things in your life but I would like to attempt not looking at them like they are sad.

Amelia you have Ataxia Telangiectasia.
It is what it is and you are still going to have an amazing life despite all of your limitations.
You have attributes that no one else will ever have.
You have an invisible glow around you now that people are drawn to.

Your smile and laugh , recently, is making a whole room stop still.
It is contagious to laugh with you.

You have adjusted so well to asking mum and dad to help you do everything
(and your manners are always immpecable!).

You have learnt that it is ok to get angry and speak your mind.

You have begun searching for things you "can" do rather than constantly observe what you can't.

You have learnt to follow your "gut" in making decisions and understand now that you can.

I now see a resilience around you that does not allow any sadness or pity to get near you.

You are at peace.
You are at peace with your body and your mind.

You represent the person that I would love to be.

There may be no marriage, children or mortgage...... but there will also be no hurt and heartache.
We are able to protect you from that.

Daddy and I are your safe haven.

All fears, worries and concerns can be alleviated by us.
We will carry those feelings for you.
We are now carrying those feelings for you.

You do not need to experience the bad to enjoy the good.
You experience it everyday and yet choose to see the happiness through it.

Daddy, Tom and I still have to be ourselves.
We will display anxiety, anger and sadness......and that is ok.
We are all individuals with our own individual life.

We are all learning everyday how to smile and laugh through being around you.

Tom has leant that "helping and encouraging" are natural behaviours in this house.
So is speaking your mind and creating your own happiness.

Coping mechanisms are available for any situation.
You seem to have found yours.

Your happiness now radiates off you.
It has made us all realise how minimal our own worries are.

You are creating a legacy Amelia.
You are touching the hearts of many.

Your amazing life has only just begun and I will move mountains to make sure that continues.

Thank you for coming into my life and showing me what is important (even though I stumble and forget sometimes).

I love you Amelia Grace Nicholds and always will.

Love always and forever

Mum

xxx

Resolve and wine

Thank you to everyone that replied to my previous entry.
I cannot describe how much it meant.

After writing an entry to myself (that was extremely intense) and speaking to three different people, I think that I have been able to work out what is going on in this silly mind of mine.
(The two shared bottles of wine last night have definately contributed to my resolve).

Having entered "our situation", like most other females, I had strengths and weaknesses.
They do not just disappear because of Amelia's diagnosis.
They change, are strengthened/weakened and are added to.
Everyone learns "coping mechanisms" for all areas that they struggle with.

My recent struggle has been with friendship.

People are busy and have their own lives.
I know that.

I am in no way targeting my thoughts and feelings at just one person.

But........
I realise that I am lonely.
People do not answer/respond to phonecalls or text messages.
I do not feel like I have had friendship "contact" with anyone recently.
Three people responded to my text message about the BrAshA-T Twilight Cinema night.
I sent out 50 messages from my phone.

A simple "we will see" or "no we can't" would have been nice.

The realisation of having a child so ill, attending a special school and managing her day to day living is lonely.
But I am not asking for pity, sympathy or require any contact to depress you.
Just friends that accept me for me.
Just friends full stop.

Scott does not enter this thought process.
He is always there and always will be.

I am talking about REAL girlfriends that you can laugh with, talk about life to just have fun.
No judgement or bitchiness.
Just real friends.
I have this with Scott. I like it outside the home as well.

I know that I posted a while ago about "friends for a season or a reason".
That must mean that I am experiencing major climate change!!

I know people will shake their heads at me.
But this is how I feel.

Recently I was asked to the movies by a friend I catch up with occasionally.
I was so excited that someone thought to ask me!
That is sad.

So my new motto is
This is my life. It is up to me to live it. Do not expect others to live it for me.

So if you get a text message from me
BLOODY WELL ANSWER IT !!!!!!!
cause I am on a search to find who is my friend !

From the extrovert with a silly mind.

xxx

Important

Hello.

A lot of things has happened in the last few months and I find myself analysing everything in our life right now.

I am finding that I am questioning the worthiness of this blog now.

The detriment of revealing everything I think and personal information about our children.

Maybe it is time to just enjoy the moment more and keep it private.

Maybe it is time to travel the negative parts of this journey (and there are so many) privately.

I am still mainly happy and positive, I just wonder whether this blog is part of my future journey.

This is where I need your help.

I sit, alone, behind my computer desk and write each entry.

I am alone.

My statistics say that hundreds all over the world read each entry.

WHY?

I want to know why and what country you are from (so many people in Russia-why?).

Please comment below, on the Facebook page or email ameliasproject@yahoo.com.au

xxx

Inside my warped mind.

So much going through my head right now.
Just the usual and so much more.

I had my first mental "meltdown" at work this week.
I am happy that I spoke "out loud" about it but also realise that they now know about my insecurities and low self esteem.
I will not explain my thoughts about it on here.
You will all yell at me.
After a discussion with my "boss" yesterday, I think I have cleared up and moved on from my concerns about being "worthy" of my new role.
Silly I know .........

I am also loving the newest member of our family.
Levi (aka Steve) reminds me so much of my first "baby", Barney the golden labrador.
He is beside me constantly, intelligent, happy and still has a lot of fun in him, despite his age.
Scott said I have established a great "affinity" with him and I am so glad that we saved him from the animal shelter.

Assessing, comparing and analysing different peoples lives around the world has been at the front of my mind recently.
The way they are, the way they live and their battles compared to our own.
I find it very sad that over $80million dollars was spent on the recent Academy Awards in America and yet we have millions of people dying from starvation.
$80 million dollars that could have been given to the so many countries that do not have enough food or water to keep their citizens alive.

My memory bank is overflowing with images of not only Amelia's life but also Tom's.
Every smile, laugh, conversation is a reminder of what we have now.
The memories of a baby rolling and kicking in my tummy, the birth and the very first eye to eye contact are something I will remember forever.
The fact that I am able to have forever the memory of 3 weeks in Disneyland and the happiness that created.
(Maybe we are as bad as those who attend and organise the Academy Awards).

But across the world, a mother is watching her child die because she cannot feed it or provide clean drinking water.

The comment "there is always someone worse off than you" does not seem to be powerful enough in this kind of comparison.

Please be grateful for what you have.
I know I am.

Have a great day everyone.

xxx